Time for a change...

Change is always hard. Whether it's a good or a bad change. I have decided that it's time for a change. I am not longer going to give my heart away if the person I'm giving it to doesn't deserve it. I have a huge heart and I love making people happy. A little too much. I focus all of my time on pleasing others and getting their approval. I want everything to be peachy and no arguments. So, what do I do? I allow people to walk all over me and rip my selflessness from my soul. My heart is beginning to suffer from all of this.
The only person I need to make happy is Jesus Christ. I don't need to make sure everyone in my life hears from me every week or sees me enough to know that I "care". When was the last time someone called, texted, visited me just because? I give too much. Time to be a little selfish with my heart and share it with Jesus. He is the only person that deserves to hold the whole thing in His hands. I want to be YOURS. I don't need family, friends, or a boy to make me WHOLE. You make me whole, Jesus. Blessed be YOUR name.

Lost

I honestly don't know if I can handle this. There's a little piece of me that knows I can but it's being covered up by all of the pain, rejection, doubt, hopelessness, and depression. I want to believe that there is better for me but I don't know where to begin. I feel empty. Lost.

Hate/Love relationship.

I love watching movies, all types. I love rapping Lil Wayne in my truck then singing Rascal Flatts right afterwards. I love staying up so late that I fall asleep on accident. I love making late night trips to get food. I love playing video games. I love sitting outside and looking at the stars. I love not wearing makeup. I love staying in my pajamas all day then dressing up to go out later that night. I love laughing till I cry. I love speaking my mind. I love spending the entire day with family telling stories, laughing, and simply enjoying each other's company. I love playing stupid computer games. I love watching sports. I love playing basketball. I love being so close to someone that you know what they're thinking. I love sitting in silence and it not be awkward. I love talking in my baby voice. I love you.

I hate that all of these things aren't the same without you.

Random thoughts to different people

You drive me insane. I don't know what you want, who you want, or who you really are. Everything revolves around your timing and my heart has officially checked out from this game of yours.

I love you. You are such a strong person but I'm not sure if you realize it. I hope you keep living your life to the fullest because when you are happy, I am happy. I'm proud of you.

We could be best friends but every time we get close, you push me away again. I don't know if I've done something or if you're not as devoted to this relationship as I am. It's a shame.

We've been best friends for years. The "what ifs?" have filled our brains at different times but neither of us have made a move. It's weird that I'm talking to more than one person here...

What are you doing? I don't understand what you're doing with your life. It breaks my heart to see what path you have chosen. One day you'll regret the choices you made. Again, talking to more than one person.

Thank you for everything you have done the past few weeks. If I didn't hear your kind words and encouragement, I wouldn't be standing right now. You're such a sweet person and I look forward to getting to know you even more.

You made me look like a fool. You made me trust you then you ran in the opposite direction. I try to tell myself that it's not my fault but it's hard not to blame it on myself. Oh what I would do for a second chance...

One thing I've learned...

I can't do this on my own.

Variety of emotions

Awe - I am in awe of the creation and blessings God has provided me with in my life. I was so blessed to take a trip to the Dominican Republic and love on my brothers and sisters in Christ for a week. They were so joyful and excited to be sharing that sacred time w us. I met a little boy named Joan that changed my life forever.

Depression - As soon as I got home I got extremely sick and did not leave my bed/couch for 5 days. It immediately put me in a terrible state of depression. I did not want to be back in the states and the fact that I was sick made the matter even worse. Still to this day, I don't want anything more than to be back in the D.R. loving on the kids of Don Bosco.

Anger - The one man I have ever loved in my entire life decided to contact me again after almost a year of not speaking. I was caught off guard but I have a feeling he had this conversation planned for a long time. He knows what words he can use to control me and to hook me again. The sad and honest truth is that he did hook me again. He hooked me so bad that I cannot be alone for more than 5 minutes without thinking about how badly I want to be in his arms again. That alone makes me angry. Angry at myself. Angry at him. Even angry at God for allowing this snake to come back into my life for the third time trying to steal my heart.

Confusion - I love my major. I love what I have decided to do with my life... at least I thought I did until I got home from the D.R. I wasn't able to attend classes because I was so sick but I have never felt so alive not being at school. It has been draining me and I no longer want to be there. I want to work with a world wide organization and work directly with children for the rest of my life. I would be perfectly content with quitting school right now and never returning. That is not good since I have 2 semesters left after this one.

Faith - Despite all of my feelings I KNOW that God is in control. I may be angry, confused, or depressed but God knows exactly what he is doing with me. I have never had a peace with God like I do now and it warms my heart. Thank you Jesus for your grace, love, and hope.