Christmas 2010

I knew Christmas would be wonderful this year because well... it's Christmas. This year was a little bit different for my family. My dad was released from the Mayo Clinic 5 days before Christmas so that my mom and him could make it home in time to celebrate with my brother and I. I had planned to stay in Florida but as soon as I got the news, I headed home to Tennessee so I could embrace my dad in one of the most memorable, emotional hugs I've ever shared with him. Now THAT is the best Christmas present ever.

Christmas Eve was rewarding because my brothers girlfriend, her 3 children, and her mother joined us for our service at church. Wow. I loved being a part of that and when the youngest little girl crawled over the chairs so that I could hold her it made me realize how blessed I am. After church our family went to the Bates' house for dinner which is the only place other than my parents house that I feel at home. I love that family so stinkin much and I wouldn't be the person I am now without them in my life.

Not only was celebrating Christmas with my family amazing but waking up to 5 inches of snow on Christmas day made it 100 times better. I got to build a snowman for the first time in many years and have a snowball fight like I was 5 years old again. Here's a picture of me and Kira with Frosty...

Jesus, thank you so much for everything you have blessed me with. You are amazing and your love NEVER fails. I am sensing that 2011 is going to be a different year for me. 

You and Me.

Our hearts are so much alike in so many ways. We've known each other for so long but sometimes I feel invisible to you. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you. I have prayed it will go away but for some strange reason it hasn't. You are my first love. It's weird because it's a different kind of love that I've shared with others. I have a passion for you. I would do anything for you at anytime.
We've watched each other "love" others over and over again. Watched each other get hurt and hold each other while we cried. I'm not really sure why we keep traveling down this road when the right path seems to lead straight towards each other. We're stubborn. Or at least you are.
I'm still praying for a miracle. I pray that God will remove this love from my heart or he will ignite the one in yours to the point that you realize what's true. I'm exhausted from loving you. Emotionally, physically, mentally exhausted.

Praying for Carl Willis

Praying for my hero and wonderful father.

Stuck

I have found myself asking the question "Why..?" alot lately. Why am I sucking at school so badly? Why does MY dad have to be sick? Why do I feel lonely even when I'm with other people? Why does God love me? Why can't I stop crying? Why do I trust people too easily?

No matter how many times I ask... none of those questions have answers. I am stuck in a rut right now. A big, bottomless hole that I'm falling down. I hang on to something for a while to stop my fall but it fails me and I start falling faster than I was before. It's extremely repetitive and exhausting and personally... I'm tired of it.

Once again I'm stuck in a place where I trust no one. I had healed but once again I'm broken. Trying to heal again seems pointless and not possible. I'm stuck with no where to go.

Drowning.

I am alone.
I am drowning.
My sight is blurry.
My ears are closed off.
My breathing has stopped.
My heart is failing.
I am looking everywhere for someone to save me.
I know only God can.
I am not alone.

i miss you sweet boy. so so much.

Love

A friend from high school randomly sent me this mans story. It's all about love and the confusion of life. It's amazing and I find it incredible she decided to send it to me, of all people. Take a minute and read this:

http://www.godandstuff.com/?p=181

Let love rule.

Me and my wonderful roommate visited a different church this past Sunday. I really enjoyed the sermon that was focused on James 4:11-12. I have studied James a countless number of times but I have never looked at this passage the way he described it.

"Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgement on it. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you--who are you to judge your neighbor?"

Wow. Not only is James telling us to not speak negative things about a brother, he is saying do not SLANDER one another. Do not speak true OR untrue things that might bring a brother down. Whether the information is true or not, don't speak of it. How many times have you spoken the truth about someone and in the back of your mind you know if that person heard you, it would bring them down? I know I have. The reason we do this is because we have self-centered motives whether we realize it at the time or not. It may be for/because revenge, self-righteousness, insecurity, or envy.

Why do we insist on tearing someone else down in order to build ourselves up?! It blows my mind when I think about the times I've done this. We do not need to hurt others to improve ourselves. Ridiculous! The next time you begin to speak truth, lies, or insults about someone else... remember what James said. DON'T DO IT.

igbok

It's gonna be o.k.

Why do we second guess God and lose faith in him? If he is putting a hold on something you are striving so desperately to receive... there is a reason for it. Don't keep pushing for something you want if you begin to feel it's the wrong thing. Your heavenly father is trying to project you. You just have to have FAITH and trust that everything is going to be fine.

God I am trusting you with my life today, tomorrow, and forevermore.

You.

You don't deserve my tears. You don't deserve my time. You don't deserve the time of day. You don't deserve to see me smile. You don't deserve to remember me in your memories. You don't deserve me or anyone else for that matter. One day you'll regret giving me up. One day you'll regret lying, cheating, and manipulating every single person in your life. You are a snake and I pity the person that falls in love with your lies next. You ripped out my heart more than once and forced it back into my chest hoping I'd love you again. This time I took my heart out myself and I don't plan on putting it back anytime soon. You ruined love for me and I congratulate you for that. I am taking this day by day and am trying my best to forgive you. I am praying God takes away this bitterness so that I can forgive you. God help me.

casey, meredith, katie, abby.

We are hanging out. We love each other. Life is great.

Our God

Our God is greater, our God is stronger, God you are higher than any other.
Our God is Healer, Awesome in Power, Our God! Our God!

Into the darkness you shine out of the ashes we rise there's no one like you none like You!
Our God is greater, our God is stronger, God you are higher than any other.
Our God is Healer, Awesome in Power, Our God! Our God!
Our God is greater, our God is stronger, God you are higher than any other.
Our God is Healer, Awesome in Power, Our God! Our God!

And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us.
And if our God is with us, then what could stand against.
And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us.
And if our God is with us, then what could stand against.
What could stand against.